The Shotgun Wedding

      This is the second of my short stories I've posted about life, love and the pursuit of happiness. That is the title of my print book on Amazon. Here, you will get all 65 short stories for free, at the rate of one or more per week. 

     In the following story, a clever couple make headlines around the world in explaining that true love and marriage means total commitment to each other. I hope you enjoy it.

The Shotgun Wedding

“Do you Michael Ringwald take Mary Sutton to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, and to cherish until death do you part?”

     “That depends.” Michael’s reply caused audible gasps from the wedding guests.

     “Er...excuse me?” Preacher Tate asked.

     “I said that depends. Suppose Mary runs off with another man, how can I promise to still love and cherish her?”

     Preacher Tate’s face reddened, and the bride-to-be shrugged her shoulders. Tate glanced at the audience and saw that they were equally shocked by this question. He cleared his throat.

      “Do you want me to leave off ‘until death do you part?’” Tate asked.

      “Yeah, let’s give it a shot and see what happens.”

    Tate was angry but continued. “Do you Michael Ringwald take Mary Sutton to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold and cherish?”

    “What do you mean by lawfully? Do you mean God’s law or man’s law?”

     “Both!” Preacher Tate shouted. His gelatinous waddle shook. “Look, you impudent young fool, marriage is a solemn event and I don’t appreciate you making a mockery of it!”

      “I’m not mocking it, preacher; I just want to know what I’m getting into here,” Mike replied.

      “Doggone it, Mr. Ringwald, these are questions you should have asked before now.”

      “Settle down, preacher. We can get through this thing if you get hold of yourself. Let’s continue, shall we?”

      Preacher Tate gritted his teeth. “Do you, you little jerk, want to have this woman here as your wife or not?” Tate’s waddle bounced and spittle exploded when he spoke.

      “Wait...hold on a second, preacher. You just used the word have. That means to possess her and that’s where most folks get it wrong. Real love doesn’t involve owning someone; that’s just plain selfish. Let’s try this one more time without the word have.”

      At that moment Reverend Tate grabbed his chest and fell to the floor. Screams erupted from the wedding guests and several ran up to assist Tate. But it was too late; he had gone to meet his maker.

      Tate’s wife charged at Michael and pounded her fists on his chest. “You killed him, you rotten man! He had a bad heart and you aggravated him to death. You’ll pay for this!” She jumped on top of Michael, catching him in a headlock and dragging him to the floor. It took seven guests to pry her arms loose.

______________

The wedding guests made videos of this horrific spectacle and the story made national news. The video was also placed on the internet, along with an invitation for the media and the public to attend the next attempted marriage of Michael Ringwald and Mary Sutton.

      The church was packed to overflowing, with hundreds of spectators standing outside. Inside, the audience was grinning in anticipation of more antics by Michael Ringwald. The new minister dreaded what might happen, but he smiled for the cameras. However, he looked down his nose at Michael before speaking.

      “Sir, are you going to disrupt this ceremony like you did last week with Reverend Tate, God rest his soul?”

      “I don’t plan to preacher. Who knows, maybe we’ll get lucky this time.”

      “Alright then. Do you Michael Ringwald take this pretty lady here to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have, to hold, and to cherish until death do you part?”

      “Can we modify that vow?” Mike asked.

      “What?”

      “I said, can we modify my marriage vow. You see, I –”.

      At that moment Reverend Tate’s widow jumped out of the pews brandishing a sawed-off shotgun. She leaped forward and shoved the barrel against Michael’s chest. “Why you low-life scum, if you don’t marry this woman right now, I’m going to blow you away! Do you understand me, young man?”

      The audience gasped in horror. Those with phones dialed 911 to summon the police, while the reporters recorded Michael’s reaction.

      “Take it easy, granny. I do take Mary to be my wife and all that other stuff he said. But I’ll go even further and vow to love her even after death. Why should death stop me from loving her? True love is eternal, and I think that a vow to love someone until death is just plain wrong. Who made up that stupid vow?”

      “Certainly not me,” Reverend Bishop said.

      Michael put his arm around Mary’s shoulder and pulled her against him as camera flashes lit up the chapel. “Defining true love is what I was trying to explain to preacher Tate. Too many people marry without really loving their spouse the way they ought to and that’s where they mess up. The mistake is to marry someone you don’t love more than yourself. Yes, you can love someone without marrying, but marriage shouldn’t be considered a mere scrap of paper.”

      “You tell, ‘em, Mike,” a woman in the pews shouted.

      Michael smiled. “The marriage vows represent a formal commitment to relinquish our selfish ego and join our heart and soul with another person. It’s a spiritual evolution that gives purpose to our lives.”

      Reverend Bishop’s jaw dropped then closed into a smile. “And you, Mary Sutton, do you take this wise and loving man to be your husband and love him...forever?”

      “I do, absolutely.”

      “I now pronounce you man and wife. Place the ring on her finger, Michael, and kiss your beloved wife.”

      The crowd went wild, cheering and delivering a standing ovation. Tate’s widow lowered the shotgun and left before the police arrived. Outside, the screaming crowd had witnessed the proceedings streaming live on their smartphones. The event made newspaper headlines around the world.

______________

Mary smiled as they rode away in a rented limo. “Do you think they’ll find out we were married 10 years ago?”

      “Certainly.”

      “And that the attempted wedding last week was staged?”

      “They will, but our message of true love and the sanctity of marriage will still resonate. You have to do something dramatic these days to get people’s attention.”

      Mary looked lovingly into Michael’s eyes. “Well, dear husband, since we’ve been married twice now, how about a second honeymoon?”

      Mike pulled two tickets from his coat pocket. “How does Paris, Venice and London sound?”

      “Wow! What a surprise! But can we afford it?”

      “Yep. As you know, the professional actors we hired, Clarence Tate and his pretended wife with the fake shotgun, have lots of Hollywood contacts. They’ve arranged a book and movie deal for us, with them playing the same roles. I signed the contracts this morning.”

      “Mike, honey, you are a genius!”

      “Very true. After all, I was smart enough to latch onto you 10 years ago.”

      Mary laughed. “Okay, that was very smart, but I meant engineering a movie deal from our love for one another.”

      “Actually, I got the idea from a short story.”

The End

Copyright © 2018 by Ken Pealock